I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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