Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
