I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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