Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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