We won't sleep together?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
