he wants to bone in the snuggie
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
