U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
