i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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