I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
