i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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