Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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