my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Randomize
