does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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