a queef is a wish your heart makes.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
