well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
