the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
