Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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