My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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