i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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