And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
