Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Randomize
