I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
