I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I think your dad took our porno
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
