You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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