how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
even my farts smell like vagina
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
