what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
