We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize