I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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