Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
