I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
