Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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