can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
