We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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