They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How does it feel to date your dad?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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