My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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