Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
