I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
