She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
