eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
