New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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