guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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