he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
