I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
