its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
