I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
