There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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