Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will pee on everything he values.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize