I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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