It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize