found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
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Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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