If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
