It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
