I miss vodka workout Fridays
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
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Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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