I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
