I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
