Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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