I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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