You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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