I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
