woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
