If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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